This blog post has been authored by Stephanie Weichert, Stephanie Weichert Coaching
Months before I met my husband, I had dated someone casually for a few months. Both of us were swimmers. I had to quit swimming due to a shoulder injury. At my last practice, he had something to say to me that I would remember 20 years later.
On the side of the pool that day, he approached me for what would prove to be an awkward exchange. He said, “You know that warm feeling you feel when you see someone you like from across a crowded room? You are excited to see them and you smile.” I wasn’t sure where he was going with things, but I listened warily anyway.
He glibly continued. “I don’t feel that way about you.”
Interesting way for him to signal that he didn’t want to date anymore. If I were being super generous, I could imagine deep down he meant well. The truth was, I wasn’t interested either. I had already arrived at the same conclusion before showing up on the pool deck that day.
Looking back, I realize that we didn’t have the shared stories, telling each other dark secrets, or the moments laughing about something ridiculous until your cheeks hurt. It’s been more than 20 years since that emotionless exchange. It turned out being exactly what I needed because I met my husband within the next few months.
Dr. Brené Brown explains relationships and connection using a marble jar metaphor. When people are in a friendship or relationship, they have a shared marble jar. When they have a shared positive experience, a marble goes in the jar. Really great experiences may earn several additional marbles. Negative experiences equate to a marble withdrawal.
When you continue to keep the jar full, trust is built. The jar doesn’t fill up immediately. Trust is built over time.
Most of us want deeper relationships. We want to be known and loved. The old adage is, relationships take work. But what does that mean exactly? It means more than one thing. One of them being, you build trust a little at a time—one situation at a time. The little builds into something bigger and eventually into something brilliant.
Hoping to create some quick connections, someone once asked me how quickly you can make it happen. I responded with, “it’s like pouring thick molasses.” There is nothing speedy about building trust.
Relationships involve allowing yourself to be vulnerable and letting people know the real you—you know, the real deal—the good, the bad, and the super uncomfortable truth. Real intimacy comes from letting people see the imperfections that you’d rather hide.
At some point, most of us have had relationship problems. Maybe you’ve even had your own poolside moment where things fell flat. With an understanding of how trust is formed, you can be selective about how and when you offer insight into the best parts of you. If the relationship is one that you truly value, you can work on dropping a few more marbles in proverbial jar.
A speaker that I follow, Jeff Dollar once said, “Relationships happen at the speed of trust.” How apropos.
With vulnerability comes risk. You risk the uncomfortable poolside moments like I had. Risk can pay off in major dividends too. You build something beautiful that has a solid, lasting foundation—one that survives life’s imperfect moments.
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Stephanie Weichert, MBA, ACC, is a certified Personal Coach, published author and speaker and business consultant.