This blog post has been authored by Denise Fitzpatrick, My Marriage Works
My client came to session last week pissed at her husband.
“He always pressures me to do things even when I say no”.
He wanted to go to a restaurant for dinner and she didn’t want to go. Because of Covid.
“He just keeps asking and asking and asking until I give in”.
“I don’t know why he does this, it’s so disrespectful, it’s like he doesn’t ever listen to me”.
In the session her goal was to solve her husband’s “disrespectful” behavior because she believed “he makes me do things I don’t want to”.
This seems like a reasonable thing to want….to want your husband to not nag you when you’ve said no.
So I asked her what she wanted to do about that.
I want him to stop asking me when I’ve said no and just listen to me.
Again, seems reasonable.
But trying to get him to change is what she’s been doing for years and it hasn’t been working. She’s left feeling like a victim to his behavior.
In this session we paved a new path, started to create a new pattern. A new pattern is the only way out of the old.
I helped her see that her anger was really directed towards herself for not doing what she wanted.
For giving in when she really didn’t want to.
When her husband asked multiple times working to convince her to go to the restaurant she started to doubt herself, started to feel guilty, and didn’t want to disappoint him.
She reluctantly agreed and then was pissed at him. Blamed him for making her go and for being so angry.
She was angry at him for always doing this and believed it was his fault she was so upset.
This is a pattern they have been stuck in for a long time. And it’s never changed.
Not because she didn’t want it to change but because she wasn’t able to see it.
She has been so focused on wanting her husband to change (she has no control over changing him) rather than changing the way she was responding to him.
We all have blind spots that we can’t see. This was hers.
She made a choice to go to the restaurant even though she didn’t want to. It was her choice. She struggled to say no.
Not because he pressured her but because she doubted herself.
Because she had a thought “I should”.
She had a thought, he will be disappointed.
She didn’t want to disappoint him and then she ended up disappointing herself. She didn’t honor her own decision.
She is learning to honor herself and learning to say no even if it disappoints someone else.
She understands it’s not her job to take care of his thoughts and emotions.
She is learning to be more direct and not give a vague answer because she’s uncomfortable saying no.
She is learning to say no even when it’s uncomfortable.
She feels empowered and in control.
How does this affect her marriage?
➨When she is less angry at her husband she feels more loving and connected to him.
➨When she says no and honors that, her husband begins to stop “pressuring” her.
➨When she honors herself she feels more confident and loving towards herself.
➨They argue less and love more. Win win.
Can you relate to this story?
This is the work my clients dive deep into when we work together.
I help them uncover the patterns they can’t see so they can stop repeating the same painful arguments that keep them spinning in circles and ruining their relationship.
If you want this kind of change in your marriage send me a message today. Let’s chat and see if my coaching is a fit for you.
Denise Fitzpatrick is a licensed professional counselor, Marriage & Relationship coach.
Denise has been in the helping profession for over 30 years and worked as a licensed therapist for nearly 20. And now practices as a marriage & relationship coach.
Denise is the founder and owner of My Marriage Works Coaching, specializing in helping women & couples have better marriages.
Denise is passionate about helping married and committed couples
end painful relationship patterns and rebuild a loving connection so they can have a thriving, healthy relationship with their life partner.